I’m just not able to do it allwhy can other women? Laura said during our first session. The 35-year-old, an executive at a pharmaceutical company, had a whopping case of the “shoulds”as in, she thought she “should” be scheduling more activities for her kids/cooking instead of ordering in/having more fabulous sex with her husband. She worried that she was failing her family.
For a lot of women these days, “having it all” includes having a whole lot of guilt. It’s not just our distress about successfully juggling the demands in our lives, which are many. Social media has made things worse; now we can regularly see how much everyone else is accomplishing, since hardly anyone posts about their failures.
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Women typically experience more guilt than men, for the obvious reason: We tend to be more empathetic, so we’re more concerned about how our actions affect others. Thoughtful, sensitive types are also likelier to feel contrite. And if one or both of your parents was overly critical of you as a child, you can carry guilt into adulthood.
In some instances, remorse is good. It’s a way of facing the fact that we’re not living up to our own values and standards, and it’s a reminder to acknowledge and fix mistakessay, when you unjustly lose it with your spouse. Too often, though, guilt goes from intermittent to habitual and can even bleed into shame. We end up feeling that we’re crappy mothers, employees, partners and friends, when just the opposite is true.
These are some of the strategies I recommend to Laura and other patients that you, too, can use to stop guilting yourself.
The guilt suck: I’m a health slacker.
You skipped your morning run. You ate half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies as a dinner appetizer. Now you’re beating yourself up for being a willpower wimp. Many of us have had it drilled into our heads that exercising regularly and eating healthfully equals being “good,” while indulging in the occasional treat or skipping a workout makes us “bad.” Family obligations can add fuel to the guilt fire; according to a 2014 Kansas State University study, many parents struggle to establish an exercise routine because they feel guilty about taking time for themselves.
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Escaping self-condemnation starts with giving yourself permission to, for example, indulge at an upcoming meal or party. If you plan it, you’re taking controlso you won’t feel weak. Or if you know you’re in for a hectic workweek, schedule one fewer gym session. (And if you do manage to fit in an extra one, bonus star for you!)
Should you bail on a workout, think of how you’d reassure a girlfriend who did the same: “So what if you missed it? It’s better to relax and recharge for once.” Be your own best friend. If you’re berating yourself over a food choice, stop the spiral of self-hate by owning up to your feelings: Wish I hadn’t eaten the loaded nachos, but what’s done is done! Then focus on how you’ll eat well the next day.
The guilt suck: I don’t do enough for my family.
Given how programmed and scheduled children are nowadays, it’s no surprise that women feel extra pressure to be their kids’ cruise directorsand guilty that we aren’t doing more. But the truth is, unstructured time is beneficial to kids. It gives them the chance to be creative, problem-solve and innovate. When my kids were young, I’d set a timer for 15 minutes and tell them, “Go do whatever you want, as long as it’s not the TV or computer. You’ll figure it out.” Inevitably, they got lost in something productive for hours.
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Many of us also fear that we’re falling short as a spouse, whether because we haven’t reminded ours to get to the gym or carved out time for regular date nights. My suggestion: Just tell him that you’re feeling bad about it. He might say he hadn’t even noticed. No matter what, you’re letting him know that he’s on your mind, which will ease your conscience.